Breaking isn't always bad...

It's time to be the person you always knew was inside.  Maybe you got lost for awhile, and it's now time to find yourself.  Maybe you haven't realized how much of yourself is missing or why, but you know life isn't right.  I had lost myself, totally and completely.

I had taken on an identity that I thought I was supposed to be, which wasn't a bad thing.  I was being a mother, a volunteer, and employee, but I forgot to be myself at the same time.  I lost sight of so many of the things I loved to do, write, paint, immerse myself in a good book.  I searched so long for what was missing inside.  I couldn't put my finer on it, couldn't understand why I felt so empty.  I poured myself into everything I did, and kept trying one new thing after the next, trying to fill that void, which I know sounds cliched, but there it is.  I was spiraling out of control and hadn't the slightest clue it was happening.  I kept sinking further and further.  When I look back now, I can see it clearly.

I ran myself to the point, I had nothing left.  My health fluctuated up and down as did my weight and self esteem.  I was beyond exhausted.  I remember looking in the mirror, eyes puffy from crying again, thinking I didn't know that person looking back at me.  Where had the excitement and passion for life gone?  I felt dead inside.  I went through the motions of life using any strength I had left to put on a grand performance.  I couldn't let anyone see what was really happening inside, and the performance become my new reality.  I needed people to think I was happy and that I had it all together.  Little did I know, that performance was going to be part of what broke me.  I needed to break to get to know myself again.  Breaking isn't always a bad thing.

I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't know why.  It wasn't until losing a loved one that I completely broke.  During that time I reached a new point of exhaustion and knew I could not continue on with life the way I had.  I don't think there would have been anything I could have done to fix myself until I broke.  That may seem odd, but I think I had to reach that point to fully admit to myself just how much I had lost  myself.  The bottom was where I needed to be.





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